Abstinent Deceptions: Why the Situation-Bristol Palin PSA Is Worse Than You Think

At first, I thought I sort of liked the new ‘The Situation’ - Bristol Palin abstinence PSA, and not even ironically. My expectations, cultivated by a longtime familiarity with abstinence-until-marriage campaigns that were authoritative and explicit about the fact that sex will ruin my whole entire life, were low. Understandably.



So, right. The Candie’s Foundation releases their new ad campaign, starring politico teen mom Bristol Palin, whom I loathe, and The Jersey Shore's Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino. What happens in this video? The rundown is that our young heroes are mingling behind the set of what I assume is Dancing With The Stars. The Situation sees Palin from behind, and not knowing who she is, tries to pick her up with some bad lines, which I refuse to reproduce in this blog space. Palin does a quick spin, which maybe she learned from Dancing With The Stars, and affectionately mocks The Situation's lousy attempt at getting her to have sex with him.



What develops from this point on is a conversation about sex, except with different uses of the word 'situation' in lieu of the usual 'abstinence,' 'sex,' 'pregnancy,' or the classically vague, doom-ridden 'consequences.' Bristol Palin tells The Situation that she's definitely not going to have sex with him because she doesn't have sex with anybody (anymore), but that she hopes in general when he is sexually active he is safe. The Situation, in turn, ushers in latex evidence to prove that of course he practices safe sex. Palin seems satisfied by this, there are more exchanges revolving around situatedness and, all in all, things are remarkably cordial.



This cordiality was what first surprised me about the Candie's ad. I don't think I've ever seen an abstinence ad in which there was such a casual exchange between two people with different views on sex. It seemed to lend credibility to a position on teen sexuality that differed from its own, and sent the message that these differences were OK.



And then I got to thinking. It all, suddenly, was a little too casual. Eerily so.



This appearance of tolerance–and an appearance is all it is–is exactly what makes this ad even worse than those which overtly warn that sex is going to destroy me. The longer I thought about the way this abstinence ad appealed to me, through its image of open mindedness and the use of reality TV sensibility, the more insidious I found it to be.



Even though one of the two characters in this ad is sexually active, safe, and happy about it, because he is a Jersey Shore caricature, viewers are not asked to take his sexual choices seriously. Through the casting of someone as ridiculous as The Situation, the Candie's people achieve the unfathomable, which is making Bristol Palin –an abstinence-pledging teen mom–look like a legitimate sexual role model. Palin's abstinence advocacy on its own is clearly an absurdity; however, next to The Situation's buffoonery, I can see how it would almost make sense.



The abstinence-until-marriage movement is just as backwards as it has always been and its ideology is no less threatening to sexual health and fulfillment than before. But there are definitely people doing the deceptive work, in certain cases with new media intelligence, to frame it otherwise. Things to look out for, I think.



Aside from the other abstinence-only-until marriage keywords missing from the Candie's ad, 'waiting' is noticeably not there. This is because apparently we are no longer waiting; we are now pausing. Before we play, that is. Did you know that “Pause Before You Play” is the overarching message of all The Candie's Foundation’s current campaigns? As the Candie's people explain, when pausing, teens should:



“Pause to think about your future; pause to think about consequences; pause to evaluate your relationship; pause to delay sex; pause to get a condom; pause to ask “why now?”



One of the really unsettling things about this ad, I realized, is that this push to “pause” comes at the very end, as if it's not the message propelling the whole scenario forward to begin with. Which of course, it is. An ad like this creates an image of an abstinence-until-marriage movement that encourages open dialogue and an acceptance of teen sexuality, when in fact we know that abstinence-until-marriage sex education programs accomplish the opposite: they silence teenagers' voices on their sexualities.

Fromt the archives: What's this film all about? A bounty of Q&As will answer all your questions (except what color dress Therese finally wore at her wedding)

As we work though the tough process of boiling down 70 hours of interviews and Miley Cyrus videos into an hour-long film, I've been looking back at some of the things we've been writing about. This is a pretty good distillation of the things that have driven me batty enough to do this film. So for those of you just joining us, a little distillation and review:



I want to thank a group of fantastic bloggers who have spread the word about our project far and wide. A few of them did Q&As with me, and their questions were so good, they made my brain hurt. Here are some of the hopefully smart-sounding answers I produced in response.



From Amanda Hess's The Sexist who asked about the different meanings of virginity in the contexts of abstinence pledging, porn and the wedding industry:



Therese: I think they’re remarkably similar in that they all work within the fantasy of female sexual purity as something to be fetishized. They have different props—the Big White Wedding Dress, porn’s white panties, and the purity ring—but all use a sort of ritualized process whereby a symbolically virginal female is offered up to a male for deflowering. I say symbolic because the porn actress is definitely not a virgin, we’re pretty certain that most modern brides aren’t either, and given our shaky definition of the V-word, we might not even consider some purity pledgers to be totally chaste. But it’s the fetishization of all three that really fascinates me. For whose benefit is it this being played out?



From Australian journalist Rachel Hills' Musings of an Inappropriate Woman about mainstream media coverage of virginity and female sexuality:



Therese: There’s still a lot of alarmist hand-wringing about so-called ‘hookup culture,’ the evils of young women having casual sex, and the death of relationships. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with it. I think most of us find ourselves in all sorts of sexual situations in our lives, some good, some bad. Instead of talking about how many partners someone has had, it’s more important to talk about consent, doing things because you want to, not because you’ve been coerced, or you think all your friends are doing it so you have to as well. I’ve read that about 1/3 of college students identify as virgins, which is a far cry from the media portrayal of college as one big scary female-soul-crushing orgy.



And from Kyna Morgan's blog about women filmmakers Her Film who asked about the origins of the film from a personal perspective:



Therese: I was planning my own wedding at the time of the shooting, and was getting a little freaked out by all the chastity-based wedding rituals and coded wedding accessories. What would it mean for me to embrace the white dress, don a veil, and be ‘given away’? What would that say about my own sexual autonomy and identity? It echoes the narration of I Was a Teenage Feminist where I refer to myself as “a woman who feels incredible pressure to conform to an ideal that I don’t even buy into. Is it possible to be who I want to be without judgment, or apology or compromise?”



And this post written by Melanie Klein at Feminist Fatale on why the film is important amidst our culture's contradictory messages about sex:



Melanie: These manufactured, one-dimensional images of heterosexual sexuality constantly shoved down my throat (no pun intended). Running parallel to the cultural obsession with sex (and nude or near-nude ladies that grace countless magazine covers, billboards and populate advertisements), is the obsession with female virginity (so much so that many women opt to have their virginity restored via plastic surgery).

Clearly, with all this sex out there, the important issues regarding sex and sexuality are glossed over and given little media coverage. What remains in the public eye remains a vapid, one-dimensional image of sexuality and a perpetual reinforcement of the good girl/ bad girl (madonna/whore dichotomy)



[With thanks to superintern/editor Sara for her help!]

Cross-Post: A response to “30-Year-Old Virgins on Oprah Winfrey”

Note: We're so glad to be running this cross-post from the awesome blog "The Accidental Virgin" in response to a recent Oprah show. I'd recommend checking out the video and comments on Oprah's show page. Many people wrote about their own lives as older virgins, thankful for the show's focus on experiencing pleasure and feeling good about yourself. But there seemed to be just as many comments quoting scripture and sending shaming messages about the lifelong damage caused by pre-marital sex. The debate continues...

As I mentioned in the last post, Friday’s episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show centered on two women in their 30s who haven’t had sex. After watching it tonight I thought it was okay. The show acknowledged that people remain virgins for various reasons — many of whom are fine with it — but the two guests on the show were not.

For Shayla, after watching her father sleep around only months after her mother died, she realized she didn’t want to be used and “thrown away” like the women he’d bring home. She didn’t like that after 20 years of a wonderful marriage that her mother was replaceable within months after her death.

“So your dad, who was your best buddy, this great dad, the ideal father, if he can betray your mom, and they had the perfect relationship, what can I count on?”

“Me,” Shayla responds. “That’s it.”

Carmen’s insecurity about her weight, on the other hand, seems to stand in her way. At almost 300 pounds she says she would rather be alone than to have someone look at her the way she currently is. In the show, when questioned what would be the worst thing that could happen, she responds it’d be getting to the point where she’s about to have sex and being rejected by her partner.

“I’ll have to be naked and… it would just turn him off. Like he would scream, ‘Oh my God, that’s disgusting.’ Then just kind of leave.”

Interestingly, my first thought after hearing both of these women speak about their fears was that I have the same trepidations. I can connect with Shayla’s admission above and, even though I’m not overweight (although no where near a size zero), Carmen’s statement as well. Their circumstances may differ but among their fears they both seem to share the fear of being vulnerable. One that I probably voiced in my blog a few times and can relate too. I remember the therapist on the show commented it was all about the fears; body image, being abandoned, having your heart broken, self esteem — universal fears that all women have. But that in this instance it was on the extreme.

So…this topic is getting (more) national exposure. Which is good. However, after having watched the show, I think that since this particular episode concentrated on two women who were seeking help with their particular situation, it tend to convey virginity as chiefly a psychological issue. I don’t know… rather than chalk it up to emotional baggage and “issues”, for me it felt more like these were just the cards these women were dealt in life.

Oprah commented that it goes beyond sex (or lack thereof). That it runs into a lack of intimacy and a lack of connection. Not having experienced these I for one can testify that it is something that can very well lead a person to feel isolated and unloved.

In the end, both women in the show were propelled into taking risks that threw them outside of their comfort zone (one was even urged to masturbate and talk about the experience…which I thought was amusing, given her ‘good girl’ views about the act itself). Eventually, they were comfortable enough to go on dates and the episode ended on a positive note; that “if you want to take the reigns in your life, you can create the love in your life that you want.”

Easier said than done. But still encouraging to say the least.